“OH WAIT THIS ISN'T EVEN MARS DAMMIT”

Films: Princess of Mars (2009)

Alias: The Tharks (Tars Tarkas, Tal Hajus, Sola), Barsoomian riders, Barsoomian spiders, Barsoomian wasps

Type: Alien

Location: Desert/Civilized Area

Height/Weight: Ranges from that of average humans to that of small cars.

Affiliation: Good (Tars Tarkas), Neutral (riders, spiders, wasps), Evil (the rest)

Summary: How charming. A film that claims to be...wait a second, this film isn't totally ripping off "Avatar" despite the advertising? This is a work of Edgar Rice Burroughs? Well, it's the Asylum at work, so don't expect miracles.

History: Recently, U.S. army soldier John Carter has been tossed into a project in which he is teleported all the way to Barsoom, a fictional version of Mars. There, he meets the brutish Tharks, vicious wildlife, and the beautiful humanoid warrior princess, Dejah Thoris. But alas, she doesn't do a whole lot, as most of the accomplishments go to good ol' white boy John. Just as Burroughs would have wanted it...we think?

Notable Kills: See Final Fate.

Final Fate: After winning the friendship of a Thark named Tars Tarkas, John ends up coming to blows with another teleported human. But in the middle of their fight, a giant wasp snatches the evil one up. John returns to Earth, but refuses to tell anyone of his adventures so that the army doesn't try to colonize Barsoom.

Powers/Abilities: None.

Weakness: Anything conventional.

Scariness Factor: 3-The Thark may be a very barbaric race, and are quite ugly to boot, but it is shown that some can be empathetic to a fault, and actually quite decent. Just don't diss on the violent ones (i.e. most of them), otherwise you'll get tossed to the bad CGI arthropods that act as the predators around here.

Trivia: -This film was based off of the many adventures of John Carter, one of Burrough's most recognized heroes aside from Tarzan. However, while the novels involving him are examples of classical pulp sci-fi, this film is an example of a bargain bin find.

-Although released in 2009, this film was rereleased in the wake of Disney's 2012 adaptation of John Carter, and renamed to "John Carter of Mars".


Image Gallery


Nah, the thing that inspired Avatar would be Pocahantus, a few other films, and LOTS of drugs.

Straight to the point, are you, Japan?

"I just got my tusks waxed."

"This had better not awaken anything in me, human!"
I told you Mars was too hot to film in it!

"It's this or what the Phantom Planet uses."

Jeff the Spider, NO!


Trailer(s)