“New Jerk-sey”

Films: Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)

Alias: None

Type: Natural

Location: Ocean

Height/Weight: That of average great whites.

Affiliation: Neutral

Summary: What sounds like the worst place for a beach get-together. If you answered with "the shores of New Jersey", we'd actually understand, considering how the place has gathered a reputation as New York's coked-out little brother (DISCLAIMER: there's probably a lot to like about the state that means much more than a simple shoreline). The only thing there worse than washed-up TV show hosts is a horde of killer fish coming for everyone.

History: For a bunch of people eerily similar to the folks on "Jersey Shore", things are about to get hairy. Not necessarily because of human ignorance, though not for lack of trying, but because there's a swarm of hungry sharks coming after them all. The beaches of New Jersey are about to become a bloodbath. In fact, they already have.

Notable Kills: Nothing special.

Final Fate: In the end, a whole lot of sharks are killed, but most of the people get out safely. However, as the news reports that the beaches are safe again, another shark rises to prove us all wrong.

Powers/Abilities: None.

Weakness: Anything conventional.

Scariness Factor: 2.5-What makes these crap CGI sharks stand out is how off they look. They're perhaps some of the least detailed, round, and all-around not threatening CGI puppets of predatory fish that we've ever seen. Not helping is the inexplicable giant shark head prop that somehow looks uglier than the regular ones. Probably because it was loaned from "Two-Headed Shark Attack". That's our explanation, at least.

Trivia: -In case you couldn't get it, this film is a shallow parody of "Jersey Shore", a somehow popular reality TV show full of unlikeable dudebros and racist caricatures trying to be the biggest a-holes in the state. Many companies and entire groups of people hate this show for what it stands for. Really, we suppose a monster movie pitted against them was overdue, but we could have done better!

-Ironically, the shores of New Jersey were the epicenter of the 1916 shark attacks that inspired "Jaws".

Image Gallery

Not since the Thresher Shark have we found a cute shark.
"I used to terrorize the Jersey Shore, but then I took a harpoon to the eye."