“The Birth-Facility of Evil”

Films: The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Alias: Various, notably the Ancient Ones, the Buckner Family (Patience), the werewolf, Fornicus Lord of Bondage and Pain, the Sugarplum Fairy, the giant snake, the Dragonbat, the killer robot, the Dismemberment Goblins, the angry molesting tree, the mutants, the Scarecrow Folk, the Dolls, the clown, the alien beast, the doctors, the wraiths, the witches, the zombies, the Merman, the Kraken, the giant tarantula, Kiko (Japanese Floaty Girl), and the unicorn

Type: Mystical

Location: Forest/Haunted Home/Eldritch Location

Height/Weight: Ranges from that of small dogs to indescriable.

Affiliation: Evil

Summary: A lot of horror movies seem rather formulaic, don't they? It's almost as if there's a bunch of pre-ordained rules and to Hell with anyone who dares defy them. Funny thing is...the whole world depends on such traditions...

History: It's a typical horror setting. A bunch of college kids head into a cabin in the woods and encounter a violent family of undead rednecks. But wait...this was actually calculated. As it turns out, there's a whole facility under the Earth that houses thousands of diverse and powerful monsters. Every now and then, these beasts are unleashed onto humanity as part of rituals across the world. Certain archetypes, minus the Virgin, must be killed by the monsters in order to please the will of a race of beings known as the Ancient Ones. If anything deviates from the formula, the Ancient Ones will go berserk and destroy humanity. But today, a couple survivors might expose the dark secrets of this facility...for all the good that implies...

Notable Kills: See Final Fate.

Final Fate: In a shocking display of disregard for human life, one of the kids presses the big red button that releases the monsters into the main facility. ALL OF THEM. As they rampage all around the place, the last two victims refuse to take part in the ritual out of pure spite, causing the Ancient Ones to awaken and prepare to annihilate us all...except outside information apparently states, jokingly or not, that Ronald the Intern managed to not only survive the apocalypse, but apparently brought the Ancient Ones down to their knees. Huh.

Powers/Abilities: All of the monsters have a variety of abilities. But all of them actually seem to get along with each other surprisingly well.

Weakness: Depends on who you're up against. Most can actually be dealt with via conventional means.

Scariness Factor: 5-Imagine every horror creature imaginable, coming at you all at once. That is what happens when you let the "System Purge" happen. Particular stand-outs include Fornicus, that Sugarplum Fairy, and that damn hybrid giant snake. Of course, all are terrifying in their own unique way. But the Ancient Ones take the cake for basically being a bunch of unpleasable Gods that will wipe us out for putting a foot out of place in a bloody sacrificial ritual. The Ronald ending is canon, mark our words.

Trivia: -It's rather obvious, but the Ancient Ones are no doubt a representation of elitist horror fans that demand that the plot of every horror film follow the same pattern. Things like the Merman and the unicorn, in spite of their ability, are not voted by the facility due to how unorthodox they are.

-This film was directed by Drew Goddard...but you would never know because local fake feminist/foot fetishist/incel extraordinaire Joss Wedon co-wrote it. Even worse, this was the first film Goddard directed, and no one gave him much attention still.

Image Gallery

After the Ancient Ones were finished with reality...

A nice murder well done!

Always send in the boring monsters first.

That fang kept digging into his gums. No wonder he's mad!

An American Werewolf in the End of Reality.
You think you know the solution to this puzzle here too, we bet.

Our real heroes lie down there...

Pinhead made a deal with LEviATHaN. You just got into a construction accident.

"They all STAAAAB down here!"

Why children shouldn't have sharp objects.
As made by an artist whom hates humanity as much as the Ancient Ones do.

Decisions, decisions...

The Artificial Island of Misfit Monsters.

And this is one of the tamer traps!
The employees were doomed to begin with!

"Where's our plot when we learn our lives are lies?"

[Blares DMC5's "Subhuman" at full blast.]

"Beep. Boop. Haircuts!"