“Hello, my name is not Quetzalcoatl”

Films: Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon (2008)

Alias: None

Type: Mystical

Location: Cave/Civilized Area

Height/Weight: Twice that of an average human.

Affiliation: Evil

Summary: The Aztec civilization is one of the most recognized empires from Mesoamerica, right up there with the Incans and Mayans. They were also known for all of the ritual sacrifice they partook in. So obviously, a film about them should portray them as fanatic savages worshiping a horrible monster! It's...genius...???? No.

History: Apparently, there are Aztecs still living all the way in the Grand Canyon. Don't ask us how that works, just roll with it. Anyway, they worship and sacrifice to a monstrous demon that's implied to be Quetzalcoatl, but again, this is the same hogwash that dictates Hawaiians wear grass skirts all the time. Naturally, a bunch of explorers are drawn to the treasure in the temple. Can you guess who this film is gunning for?

Notable Kills: Nothing special.

Final Fate: After confronting the main explorer, the monster is crushed by falling debris, and is stabbed by a ceremonial dagger. Then it explodes.

Powers/Abilities: Immortality and poison spit.

Weakness: Special weaponry. Also, there is a chance that it will not kill you on the spot.

Scariness Factor: 3-Let's put aside the unfortunate implications of this movie and just pity the creature in it. It's clearly an intelligent beast, and it has a baller demonic design, but it is completely underwhelmed by bad CGI. It is what it is.

Trivia: -If they REALLY wanted to use a malevolent creature from Mesoamerican mythology, a good place to start would have been Camazotz, the bat-like monstrosity who decapitated one of the legendary Mayan Hero Twins, Hunahpu and Xbalanque (the former, specifically). To add insult to injury, the beast offered the head to the Gods for their next ballgame.

-There were never any Aztecs in the goddamn Grand Canyon. However, at least eleven different Native American tribes who have made their mark there, including the Navajo and the Havasupai.

Image Gallery

That symbol is shamed by this movie and the director should be sorry.

No gold is worth this.

Look, I know Aztec cuizine wasn't up to snuff back in the day...

"So...what's the sales pitch again?"

A refugee from Harry Potter has come!

"Ready for the ancient Aztec closeup."

At least, brush those!
He stands as a king of a dead civilization.

Guy, he has you on weight.