“A Tale of Two Serpents”

Films: Boa Vs. Python (2004)

Alias: None

Type: Man-Made

Location: Forest/Civilized Area

Height/Weight: That of trucks.

Affiliation: Neutral

Summary: So, you've got a giant snake wrecking the place. Do you do the sensible thing and send every armed squadron against it? Or do you specifically engineer ANOTHER giant snake in the hopes of getting them to kill each other? If your answer is the latter, you are certifiably insane...or a young kid.

History: Recently, a rather terrifying export has escaped. A playboy casino owner has bought a genetically-enhanced python for himself, but it predictably escaped into civilization and is now making a mess. But there's a solution right around the corner. A combination of equally productive genetics and eye-enhancing technology has been given to a massive boa named Betty. The hope is that boa will meet python, and the latter will be killed. Then Betty mates with the first giant snake she's seen in forever. Nice going guys...oh wait, the python just ate the eggs. Betty has every right now to be murderously pissed at him.

Notable Kills: The python eats a guy having sex, and the woman actually seems to enjoy getting eaten herself before realizing what's on the other end. Also, the python burps upon eating a dancer under everyone's noses.

Final Fate: Betty and the python's final confrontation is in an underground subway. The python is winning...until a guy makes Betty's headgear act up and electrocute them both, sending Betty flying and the python too dazed to evade the incoming train that decapitates it. Betty manages to escape, and is still at large.

Powers/Abilities: Betty's headgear allows her to see better than any living creature.

Weakness: Anything conventional.

Scariness Factor: 3.5-Some careful shadowing at times helps the mediocre CGI not stand out as often, giving rise to some truly fearsome snakes. Betty may look a bit cute with her goggles, but she's only less scary than the python because she's not a gluttonous slob. Either way, both are deadly constrictors.

Trivia: -Although Betty is intended to be a scarlet boa, her color scheme has a lot more in common with the rainbow boa, which ironically has a much more pronounced shade of red across its body.

-Due to returning characters, this film may indeed take place in the same world that involved previous films "Boa" and "Python". Yes, we know it seemed a bit obvious, but if that were the case, you'd think that the scientists here would be a bit more reluctant to have more giant near-indestructible snakes slithering around the place. Also, it seems that out of both snake species, taking all films into account, pythons are just the worst, and boas seem to have a taste for assholes.

Image Gallery

For a few minutes, at most.


Now would be a good time to aim for the eyes, guys.

"Skrillex? That's it?"

Hell hath no fury like a snake scorned.
"Nice peashooter, prey."

Not even a second dinner will fix this.