“Teenage wasteland”

Films: Teenage Caveman (2002)

Alias: Neil

Type: Mutant

Location: Civilized Area

Height/Weight: That of an average human.

Affiliation: Evil

Summary: Back in the 50s, Roger Corman made a movie that was ostensibly about a young caveman seeing the world beyond his home, only for it to be revealed as a post-apocalyptic story. It was rather clever, but it would not go untouched. So how about a film that skips the twist entirely, cuts right to the future action, and gives us hideous mutants. And this is still one of the more faithful adaptations in the Creature Features line-up.

History: In the distant future, mankind has been wiped out by a virus, leaving behind survivors who have been forced back into a tribal way of life. For some teenagers, the city could provide the adventure they seek. Said city is what remains of Seattle, but after a storm, they end up in a still-functioning genetics building. The place is run by the carefree and rambunctious Neil and his girlfriend Judith. The two offer the teens a life of sex, drugs, and mindless indulgence. But Neil and Judith have only survived because they have the right genes for the virus to make them effectively immortal. Not only do the teen run the risk of dying if they come into contact as well, but Neil is planning to take over the last of mankind with his genetic superiority.

Notable Kills: An enraged Neil punches through Judith's chest. He's rather remorseful about it, at least.

Final Fate: Not wanting the surviving teens to escape, Neil mutates further into a hulking abomination before getting a grenade stuffed into a shotgun wound in his side. He goes kablooey, and one of the teens leads the tribe to the city while dressed like David Bowie for some reason.

Powers/Abilities: Shapeshifting, regeneration, super strength, and self-mutation.

Weakness: Heavy artillery and destroying the heart.

Scariness Factor: 4-Just the fact that this Logan Paul-lookalike is one of the few civilized folk after the end is mind-breaking by itself. But the fact that he's a hideous mutant with superpowers just makes it worse. Let's hope the apocalypse takes guys like him out first.

Trivia: -This film was directed by Larry Clark, whose body of work is defined by insanely controversial films such as "Kids" and "Ken Park". For the sake of your faith in humanity, do NOT watch those films back-to-back (especially the latter). This film is one of his tamer works, if you can believe it.

-Neil was played by Richard Hillman. It was one of his last roles before he died in 2009.

Image Gallery

That...that's literally the toy I own about this film.
Key word 'bred'. Like the Trump family!

Wait...THAT director? Uh...

"Well?! Where's my cocaine?"
Who knew the pretty boy was the mastermind?

"What's a few cases of genetic mutation?"