“Ho, ho, oh no”

Films: Santa's Slay (2005)

Alias: None

Type: Mystical

Location: Civilized Area

Height/Weight: That of an average human.

Affiliation: Evil

Summary: Okay, how many crazy Saint Nicks have we encountered already? Society seems to be pretty obsessed with ruining poor Santa's name for the sake of laughs, horror, or both. But now, we have a bad Santa that puts all the rest to absolute shame.

History: In the year 1005 AD, Santa, actually the Antichrist in this timeline, lost a curling match with an angel, forcing him to give joy to the world for a thousand years. Now the year is 2005, and Santa's wait is finally over. Now, when the holidays arrive, he gets the privilege of killing everyone he comes across, starting in the quiet town of...Hell Township...okay, I think they walked into this one.

Notable Kills: Lights a woman's hair on fire with some bourbon breath, drowns another in eggnog, throws a star like a shuriken into another's back, stuffs a turkey leg into someone's mouth, stabs a guy with a candy cane before tossing him into a dumpster, makes another impale himself with a pickaxe, blows two kids heads off with explosive presents, and impales a guy onto the wall with a menorah.

Final Fate: After cheating in a curling rematch with his old angel rival, Santa realizes too late that Christmas is over, and as he tries to retreat, his sleigh is blasted out of the sky with a bazooka. However, he is shown to have somehow escaped this grim fate, and is currently heading over to the North Pole, where he'll wait the next 364 days to strike again.

Powers/Abilities: Santa comes with enhanced strength, the command of Hell Reindeer (actually yaks but whatever), and even explosive presents that function like grenades.

Weakness: Once Christmas is over, his powers go away as well, and he'll be forced to go away.

Scariness Factor: 3.5-On one hand, it's a killer buff Santa going around killing people like a testosterone-poisoned frat-man. On the other, it's a very effective killer Santa, who can think of several ways to off you in a way that perfectly melds with the holiday fear he spreads.

Trivia: -Santa was played by famed wrestler Bill Goldberg. And this film will let you know it too, with his theme song playing at some point in the film and him uttering his usual catchphrase at the very end.

-One of the strippers that Santa encounters in the film would later become Goldberg's wife. There are...less unsettling ways to meet your future love, but to each their own, we guess.

Image Gallery

Just kidding. This is just another creepy Santa that forgot how fire works.

Dear God, Dancer has finally snapped!
He looks forward to crossing off the name of whoever made the sequel to A Christmas Story.

Somebody please mace him already.
Not raunchy, folks. Well, yeah, but he's still not your average low-brow comedy Santa.

"Mention the Ice Cream Bunny no more! Even in Hell, we dare not speak its name!"

"Just drive to Mexico. The Christmas Cheer Feds will never find me!"