“Alone in the Snark”

Films: Alone in the Dark (2005)

Alias: None

Type: Mystical

Location: Civilized Area/Eldritch location

Height/Weight: That of an rhinos.

Affiliation: Evil

Summary: Uwe Boll is back. And he's got another rubbish video game adaptation to unleash upon the world. And worse, he could hardly be bothered to write anything CLOSE to what the source material was actually like. Cool monsters, though.

History: The insane professor Lionel Hudgens has been conducting some rather nasty experiments. He's utterly fascinated by the ancient Abkani tribe, who worshiped a realm of demonic entities that ultimately led to their downfall. Now, Hudgens has found a way to control the monsters, knows as Xenos (real original), and infect others with their spawn in order to create invincible minions and help him bring forth a second coming of monsters. Only the supernaturally gifted detective known as Edward Carnby can stop him.

Notable Kills: A small sand worm, presumably a young form of Xeno, bites a soldier and kills her. You can see her rise her head up moments before the scene ends because Boll doesn't understand the importance of film editing.

Final Fate: As the Xenos fight against several soldiers, Carnby and company kill Hudgens, and blow up the realm of the demons. However, before they were able to do that, the city apparently got deprived of humans because of them. At least we won't be seeing more of those things...we think...

Powers/Abilities: The centipede-like young of a Xeno can control and empower whoever ingests it. Also, Xenos are impervious to most weaponry.

Weakness: Anything conventional for the young, golden bullets for the adults.

Scariness Factor: 3.5-We'll give it this. The Xenos look like utterly savage hellhounds with elements of scorpions and lizards, and it makes for some intimidating creature design. But some occasionally shoddy CGI and the fact that they're in a movie where apparently Tara Reid can pass as an archaeologist messes it all up.

Trivia: -Against all odds, this film received a sequel in 2008, but the story is completely different, focusing on witches instead.

-The "Alone in the Dark" games are often considered to be the true grandfather of survival-horror games. This film was even meant to be released alongside the reboot done by Eden Games. But the game got delayed to 2008, so that didn't happen. Also, the current game in the franchise is "Alone in the Dark: Illumination". We do not talk about that.

Image Gallery

Incompetance grows from it!

The door's open...time for them to finally learn about their powers.

Retirement was all so close...

Monster got back!
Pose all you will, but they just flanked you!

Idiocy: Fighting Gold

They grow up so...weirdly.

Literally just got here, huh?
Pretty sure whatever gods that are mentioned in that language behind you have abandoned the director.

Um...there's an offensive joke we had for this, but...

"Boo! I'm even stupider than what the director chose!"

Just talking with Boll is unrated.

Who's a good boy?!

Somebody smelled bacon.