Films: Yoga Hosers (2016)

Alias: The Bratzis, the Goalie Golem

Type: Natural

Location: Civilized Area/Haunted Home

Height/Weight: Ranges from that of small dolls to twice that of an average human.

Affiliation: Evil

Summary: Once again, Kevin Smith gives us a movie that tries really hard to be quirky and engaging like some of his earlier works, but only succeeds in being humorless and annoying. And what could be more obnoxious than two airheaded teens glued to their phones (because THAT stereotype never gets old, right?!) going up against irritating mini-Nazis made of meat? Actually, Nazi deaths are hilarious, most of the time.

History: Long ago during WWII, a band of Nazis actually tried to take over Canada. Making base in Winnipeg, they were led by "the Canadian Fuhrer", Adrien Arcand. His right-hand man was Andronicus Arcane, a mad scientist who outlived him by going into cryo sleep. Through Netflix, he learned everything he needed to when he rose again in the modern day. Now, he has created Bratzis, mini-Reich soldiers made of bratwurst, and his tiny army is causing havoc. His ultimate goal is to finish what Adrien started, and destroy all art critics! The only ones who can hope to stop him are a pair of best friends who really only know how to do yoga and be ignoramuses.

Notable Kills: Nothing special.

Final Fate: After all the Bratzis are killed, Andronicus unleashes the Goalie Golem, a towering juggernaut made of all sorts of meat. It ends up turning on and killing him, but the beast is thankfully beaten by the girls. The Nazi threat is now truly over.

Powers/Abilities: None.

Weakness: Without their sharp helmets, the Bratzis are worthless. Also, anything conventional.

Scariness Factor: 2.5-Aside from the shoddy green-screen effects for the Bratzis, they don't pose much of a threat. Most of them are killed in one hit, and it's hard to take little folk made of meat seriously. The Goalie Golem is a step up definitely, looking about as hideous and tortured as you might expect, thought it was still beaten by yoga teens.

Trivia: -Aside from being the second in Smith's "True North" trilogy, this film also stars as one of the two main characters his daughter, Harley-Quinn Smith. We're still scratching our heads as to why he named her after a completely insane crook, but that's toxic nerd culture for you. Also, her companion was Lily-Rose Depp, daughter of Johnny Depp. Still rampant nepotism, but at least the name is way better.

-Originally, the Bratzis were to be mini-Hitlers, but that fell through. Then Jason Mewes was hired to play the beasts, but he was too claustrophobic to wear prosthetics. The truly embarrassing thing, however, was when Haley Joel Osment was put in the role of a bad guy, only for leaked images of him in a Nazi uniform causing internet goers to chase him out. Smith himself ended up playing as all of the non-human beings.

Image Gallery

My response to this film, basically.

This is meat only the folks back at Charlottesville would approve of.

The apocalypse and its forwarded by them. We've failed as a species.

The Farce Awakens.

Call it halfsies that they end up like this en masse.
Not your average relaxation yoga film.

Yes, yes. We'll say he likes his opponents super crispy. There's a horrible joke right there.