“Breaking the Hobbit”

Films: Clash of the Empires (2010)

Alias: Dragons, giant Komodo dragons, wooly rhino, giant spiders

Type: Ancient/Mystical

Location: Jungle/Mountains/Civilized Area

Height/Weight: Ranges from that of average elephants to that of trucks.

Affiliation: Neutral

Summary: Few films from a company as shameless and cheap as the Asylum escape our watchful eye. Especially if it takes several title rebrands for just one movie. We present to you a film that on one hand at least doesn't have any white saviors to groan at. But at the same time, you can bet the production values are going to be teetering on abysmal. Also, there are decidedly racist depictions of real-life native tribes here, so try not to toss a brick at your TV when viewing this.

History: 12,000 years ago on Flores Island, Indonesia, there were two opposing tribes. They were the peaceful and short Tree People, and the tyrannical and toothy Rock Men. War threatens to break out between them at any moment due to the constant raids, and the island is already crawling with monsters, many of which the Rock Men use to subjugate the Tree People. Only by teaming up with neighboring tribes and overcoming the odds around them can the Tree People hope to beat their oppressors.

Notable Kills: One dragon drops a person onto the rocky mountain for him to break all his bones on.

Final Fate: After gathering almost all of the tribes, humans included, the Tree People are able to defeat the Rock People and their forces. Once again, harmony returns to the island ever stronger than before.

Powers/Abilities: The Komodos have a deadly venom in their bite that can slowly kill a person. The spiders can use tools such as vine traps to get their prey from within their burrows. Smaller spiders tend to rely on a blinding spit to disorient targets.

Weakness: Anything conventional.

Scariness Factor: 2.5-We got to hand it to the Asylum for a moment. Every creature on this island is characterized by a unique and somewhat primitive yet mythological aesthetic that brings forth equal parts realism and ferocity. Unfortunately, it's almost all undone by the typical low-grade CGI/animations that they are all made of. You try and make us believe that they're in the same area as the people.

Trivia: -This film was originally known as "Age of the Hobbits", but that title was struck down by a lawsuit. A rarity for the Asylum, really. The film studio reasoned that the little people were going to be referred to as such because they were based off Homo floresiensis, an actual race of Indonesian human ancestors discovered in 2003 colloquially called Hobbits. This didn't really hold much water, as the Tolkien Estate REALLY hates it when people call these primitive humans that. Also, no one likes seeing a real culture being bastardized for the sake of a f*cking mockbuster, Asylum.

-There are some theories that Komodo dragons were the basis for a lot of eastern myths regarding dragons. More than a few Chinese sailors must have brought back tales of giant lizards and rolled with it. Of course, it didn't stop some old 20th century explorers from outright calling them prehistoric monsters.

Image Gallery

Nothing suspicious about this AT ALL...

Ice Age: The Temper Meltdown.

A nice picnic about to go horribly wrong for the lizards.

Death by toe-stubbing.
Hey, it came with the poster-pack.

"STOP calling us death-metal Shelobs!"

No, she will not play fetch.

He shoots, he scores!
Life is a party and he is a pinata.

Spider on a stick!

This was a good idea, WHY?!

"Fly, my not-pretties!"

Free noms!