“The Director ain't so bright”

Films: Bright (2017)

Alias: Orcs (Nick Jakoby, Jirak, Dorghu, Mikey), Elves (Kandomere, the Inferni (Leilah, Tikka, Tien, Serafin, Larika), fairies)

Type: Mystical

Location: Civilized Area

Height/Weight: That of average humans.

Affiliation: Good (Nick, Jirak, Mikey, Kandomere, Tikka), Neutral (fairies), Evil (the rest)

Summary: Oi vey, this film. This was the one that Netflix convinced itself was going to be a smash hit. A story totally not told before, and with a totally well-handled array of metaphors. It all blew up spectacularly...in the filmmakers' faces. And now, we have to cover it. We'll just make this one as quick as we can.

History: Twenty centuries ago, in a world where humans and all manner of mythological humanoids exist, a being known as the Dark Lord attempted to use magic to destroy all of civilization. All of that changed when the heroic orc Jirak led nine armies of united species to destroy him. Now, he is mostly forgotten, and humans remain prejudiced against the orcs and elves they neighbor (though Miami is said to be a decent melting pot). In Los Angeles though, trouble is brewing. A terrorist gang of elves known as the Inferni seek to resurrect the Dark Lord. Led by Leilah, they have their hands on one of the few magic Wands in the world, and intend to use it to fulfil their purpose. But one of the Inferni, Leilah's sister Tikka, has made off with the Wand (she can use magic, therefore she's a Bright), and is found by a human cop and an orc rookie named Nick Jakoby. The battle for Earth's fate has officially begun...

Notable Kills: Serafin crushes a baby's head. Don’t worry, he dies in a worse fashion.

Final Fate: All of the Inferni are disposed of, with the human cop being revealed to be a Bright himself. He strips Leilah to the bone to stop her, and both he and his orc partner are hailed as heroes, with Nick being seeing as the second coming of Jirak. They continue to stop crime, and the audience is left wondering what exactly the message is supposed to be (hating other races is bad, until it isn't? Huh?).

Powers/Abilities: Elves can regenerate, and are effectively immortal. Some creatures, regardless of species, can wield magic, and are called Brights.

Weakness: Anything conventional, though elves require more effort.

Scariness Factor: 3-The fairies are nothing to worry about, but the orcs and elves are their own brand of intimidating. The former is a bunch of toothy muscular beings who consider heavy metal-esque music to be soothing, while the elves are mostly high-class narcissists who may or may not be pining for a return of essentially the ultimate evil. But once more, the mangled racial metaphors keep us from saying much else.

Trivia: -This film was infamously prided by director Max Landis as being his own "personal Star Wars". Not too long after its release, he was met with tremendous ridicule, and he even called the whole thing "an embarrassing disaster". Landis was always a bit out there with his own expectations, but this was undoubtably his parvum opus, if anything.

-Apparently, aside from the races seen here, the others in the nine are centaurs, dwarves, ogres, panahus, goblins, giants, and brezzik. Yeah, add dragons to that list, and maybe we'll be more accepting towards a sequel. Or you know, we won't, seeing as how they'll probably screw that up somehow too.

Image Gallery

Did the cosmos throw up on these posters? Makes sense.

"Do not judge my fetish, wench."

Starbucks reaches the logical conclusion of its logo.

"I have antlers in all of my DECORATING!"

Crocker finally gets his vengeance.