“Moutn Ol-wimp-us”

Films: Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010), Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Sea of Monsters (2013)

Alias: Grover Underwood, Ms. Dodds the Fury, Chiron, the minotaur, Hades, Medusa (Madame Em), the hydra, hellhounds, Tyson, Colchis bull, Hippocampi, Charybdis, the Cyclops (Polyphemus), the manticore, Kronos

Type: Mystical

Location: Civilized Area/Forest/Haunted Home/Eldritch Location/Ocean

Height/Weight: Ranges from that of average dogs to that of a mountain.

Affiliation: Good (Grover, Chiron, Tyson, Hippocampi), Neutral (most of the rest), Evil (Medusa, Polyphemus, Kronos)

Summary: Long ago, but not too long ago, esteemed children's author Rick Riordan gave us "Percy Jackson and the Olympians", a book series that was basically "Harry Potter" if it was both actually cool and WASN'T written by the queen of stupid retcons and unsettling politics. A film adaptation was inevitable...but by Zeus, we wish these films didn't exist.

History: It hurts to describe this for us due to how little it seems to respect the source material. Anyway, Percy Jackson is an average kid who just so happens to be really good at reading Greek and holding his breath in water. One encounter with a Fury and a minotaur later, and he finds himself in Camp Half-Blood, where all the young Demigods go. Yup, the Greek pantheon and all legends surrounding it are true, and Percy is the son of Poseidon. But trouble's brewing. Someone stole Zeus' lightning bolt, and Percy's a prime suspect. Now, he must go on a quest with his satyr friend Grover Underwood (who's more-or-less as he was in the books) and Annabeth Chase (who's unfairly reduced to an irritating load) to clear his name and find the thief. Oh, and unbeknownst to anyone, the ancient Titan lord Kronos is stirring...

Notable Kills: The minotaur sent Percy's mom to the Underworld in a puff of smoke (it's temporary, don't worry).

Final Fate: Many monsters are killed in a variety of ways (Medusa's head's honor for the hydra), but in the end, Percy finishes butchering the first book's storyline by bringing down Luke, egomaniacal son of Hermes, and redelivering the bolt. Then he's forced to go to the Sea of Monsters to find the Golden Fleece with his friends and half-brother cyclops Tyson (who's no longer the ray of adorable sunshine we know), only to end up having to fight and defeat Kronos (they just KNEW they weren't getting to book 5). What a waste of time...

Powers/Abilities: Many beings, including the Furies and even the hydra, can turn into human forms. Medusa has her stone gaze, the hydra can breathe fire and regrow lost heads, and guys like Kronos are basically immortal.

Weakness: Heavy artillery, or conventional means, depending on the foe. Some of the Gods/Titans might require some ancient artifacts, though.

Scariness Factor: 4-For what it's worth, we have some fearsome monsters romping about. The hydra and Hades' demon form are particular standouts, but nothing compares to Charybdis, a massive whirlpool leading to the biggest lamprey mouth you've ever seen. Kronos is hardly a slouch either, but only because he eats people and keeps them alive in there (just like the myths, actually).

Trivia: -Riordan, as one might guess, isn't too particularly fond of these films. He actively encourages teachers to not show them in classes, for one thing. We no fans of these films either, if you haven't guessed already. There's a reason some people called them "Peter Johnson" out of spite.

-We could go on for DAYS as to what they got wrong in these films. For starters, they left out dozens of supporting characters in the first film, Kronos isn't a sarcophagus at that point, entire subplots involving the other characters are scrapped, and several major characters' personalities are warped (Annabeth is a particularly awful example, going from headstrong yet kindhearted daughter of Athena to what really should have been Clarisse's personality for the most part). Oh, and apparently Tartarus and the Underworld are one in the same because Hades is Satan and oh, gag me...

Image Gallery

And some are cursed to be in terrible adaptations.

The Dead Poets Society got the worst substitute teacher.

"Oh, look! It's got Flappy Bird on it!"

The only monsters are those whom thought this was a good idea.

One of the few scenes that isn't a load of bull.

"What can I say except 'You're all dead!'"
"Tremble before me, New York!"

Family friendly mother-murder, everybody!

Tickle their snouts. We dare you.

Fast and Furious 2: Camp Half-Blood Drift.

Tony the Tiger snapped.
You've parted the sea like you've parted us from your movie

"You're one of the few people that didn't demand I wear pants."

"Let's see Hercules come wide with us NOW!"

Geez. MLP went off in a weird direction.

Water hydras. Infinitely more interesting.

Look out, ladies! Here come Hades!

Cerberus or not, Hades has good taste in pets.

Scylla left because she knew what was in store for the box office.

"Let's hope you have a few vore fantasies, boy!"