“Wily walruses”

Films: Tusk (2014)

Alias: Wallace Bryton

Type: Man-Made

Location: Haunted Home

Height/Weight: That of an average walrus.

Affiliation: Neutral

Summary: Kevin Smith is often lauded as a true geek among geeks. Think a far less sleazy and unlikeable Joss Wheaton, and you have the right idea. But alas, he's also something of a has-been, having not been able to make a good movie for a long time. And sadly, not even a surreal Cronenberg-inspired horror-comedy about a man-walrus can undo that. But it can try.

History: Wallace Bryton has always been something of a complete and utter a-hole, but we are certain that he did not deserve the fate that befell him when he came to the mansion of retired seaman Howard Howe for an interview. The madman had been working his entire life to capture people, and forcibly turn them into walrus in order to replicate Mr. Tusk, a walrus that had rescued him once that he had to eat later. Wallace is helpless as Howard slowly molds him into an aquatic mammal.

Notable Kills: See Final Fate.

Final Fate: Eventually, Wallace is completely turned into "Mr. Tusk", and Howard dresses up as a walrus so that they can playfight. But Wallace gores the man with his tusks, even if that man does die feeling accomplished. Soon, Wallace is left in a wildlife sanctuary, bemoaning his situation pitifully...

Powers/Abilities: None.

Weakness: Anything conventional.

Scariness Factor: 3-We will admit, even though he's not even remotely a threat to anything far enough from him, what's left of Wallace is deeply unsettling. He's basically a walrus made up of sewn-up body parts and tusks made out of the bone from his sawed-off legs. It must be Hell to be a walrus. That's a thing we just said, by the way.

Trivia: -This film is the first in what Smith proclaims is the "True North Trilogy", a set of horror-comedies that includes 2016's "Yoga Hosers". Alas, the third film, a "Jaws" parody named "Moose Jaws" is in jeopardy due to critical/financial flop that was the second film.

-Smith, being the kind of person he is, at one point described this film as "masturbatory". In case you’re confused, he basically admits to not caring what people think. He just wanted his odd premise to play out. Whether we should call that pretentious or not is up to you.

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