“Audience interest descending”

Films: Jupiter Ascending (2015)

Alias: Various, notably the Splice (Caine Wise, Stinger Apini, Chicanery Night, Famulus, Malidictes, Nesh, Ibis) Sargorns (Tskalikin, Greeghan), and the Keepers

Type: Alien

Location: Eldritch Location/Civilized Area

Height/Weight: Ranges from that of average humans to twice that.

Affiliation: Neutral

Summary: There comes a film every now and then that you just know is too ambitious for its britches. A movie that seems like it's so thoroughly wrapped up in its self-proclaimed gravitas that it couldn't have possibly listened to any criticism. Such is the case of the 2015 train wreck made by the Matrix twins. It could have been great, but then they got wrapped up in pretentious drivel and one or two good ideas. Also, shrieking monotone Eddie Redmayne, what were they thinking?!

History: For Jupiter Jones (sigh...here we go), life is quite boring on Earth. That is, until aliens start poking around her home, all of them looking a bit on the menacing side. That's when one of them swoops in to help her. His name is Caine Wise, a Splice (a half-human hybrid, in this case part-wolf) who knows Jupiter's true purpose. You see, the human race is actually the result of experimentation that has been practiced across countless worlds by the government on planet Jupiter, which harvests them all to remain young forever. And Jupiter is a perfect genetic match for the recently deceased matriarch of one of their most powerful families. Yup, she's the chosen one, therefore everyone is obligated to be thoroughly obsessed with her. While Cain and pals want her safe and her birthright brought to her, she is constantly under threat on Earth and Jupiter by the minions of the evil lord Balem, another heir who really doesn't like to share.

Notable Kills: Caine makes the floor disappear and reappear with Greeghan over it, snapping the being's neck.

Final Fate: Alas, Balem and his forces are powerless to stop Jupiter from getting what she wants, even though Caine did most of the heavy lifting. Okay, credit where it's due, Jupiter did fight the overlord a bit. Either way, Earth is hers now, and she…doesn't really do anything about the whole "harvesting intelligent life forms for immortality" thing. Nah, she has her half-wolf boytoy and that's all that matters. Also, he can fly now. Go figure.

Powers/Abilities: The Splice have powers based on what animal they are made from. For instance, Stinger can control bees due to having bee DNA. The Keepers can erase memories and disguise as humans.

Weakness: Anything conventional.

Scariness Factor: 4-On a conceptual level, the society of Jupiter is Lovecraftian levels of horrific. Here we are, all of mankind, and our sole purpose is to be herded like cattle to make a formula to keep an unsustainable government of hybrid freaks alive for all eternity. And our most recent ambassador is hardly motivated to put an end to it (maybe she would in the sequel that will never happen, but that's all speculation). Also, the Keepers are genuinely unnerving, which the Sargorns are scary in a more awesome manner (why couldn't THEY be the protagonists here?).

Trivia: -Apparently, the script to this film is over 600 pages long. Might we ask WHY?!

-This film, along with the even more ambitiously confusing yet somewhat better "Cloud Atlus", practically killed the entire career of the Wachowskis. Even their Nexflix series, the cult favorite "Sense8", was short-lived for BS reasons. Needless to say, they have all but thrown in the towel for anything they create. And you know what…that actually kind of sucks.

Image Gallery

All the while, our faith in this is DESCENDING.

Look out! Disney Executives!

Laugh at how they look and that might be considered a hate crime.
But how can we make it gaudier?

The hero of the film arrives!

"Let's see...you're still following this film?"
Her fake hairdo is more interesting than her!

"You know, we COULD just buy a TV."

Twas a good day to die, good sir.

"Somebody give me something substantial to say. These two are unerving me."