“Roided-out Green Monstrosities”

Films: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016)

Alias: The turtles (Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, Donatello), Splinter, the Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady (Beebs and Rock), Krang

Type: Mutant (turtles, Splinter), Man-made (Bebop and Rocksteady), Natural (Shredder), Alien (Krang)

Location: Civilized Area/Underground/Jungle

Height/Weight: Ranges from half that of an average human to twice that of one.

Affiliation: Good (turtles, Splinter), Evil (the rest)

Summary: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have had all sorts of different incarnations. Most loved, a few utterly despised. But while they are definitely in their element in cartoons, the same cannot be said for cinema. Barring that first outing in 1990, they cannot seem to go into theaters without attracting detractors. And when Michael Bay got his grubby hands on the franchise (though it's not entirely his fault, more on that later), things...could have been worse, really.

History: In New York, Project Renaissance was initiated, and then promptly forgotten about. This might have had something to do with it being an unethical experiment on four turtles named after Renaissance artists, who were exposed to a mutagen meant to cure disease before being rescued by intrepid reporter April O'Neil. The turtles and a rat named Splinter mutated into anthropomorphic forms, the latter raising them as his sons and, after reading up on a book about martial arts, he taught them the ways of eastern combat. However, the nefarious Foot Clan wishes to capture the turtles. Led by the Shredder, they will stop at nothing to defeat these heroic reptiles and take over all of New York. Needless to say, the turtles will need to put aside their differences and become a true band of brothers to defeat the Shredder...and whatever other threats may come.

Notable Kills: Nothing special.

Final Fate: The Shredder is defeated twice in these films. The latter one is more embarrassing due to it being a result of a betrayal by Krang, a malevolent alien seeking to repair his teleportation tech to bring about a full-scale invasion. Naturally, the turtles beat him too, sending him back where he came from. Bebop and Rocksteady are also defeated, albeit by April and a mask-less (?!) Casey Jones. The turtles opt to remain in the shadows still, protecting the city with their new friends, with mad scientist Baxter Stockman still at large.

Powers/Abilities: The turtles all have their respective weapons, though Mikey and Donny have access to all sorts of technology, the former preferring a rocket-powered skateboard. The Shredder is a walking swiss-army knife that cannot be beaten through conventional means so long as he's in that suit. Krang is also attached to the Technodrome, a massive robot that can use magnetism, weapons to replace its hands with, and energy cannons. Bebop and Rocksteady have amplified strength.

Weakness: Anything conventional, though Shredder and Krang require more heavy artillery.

Scariness Factor: 4-If you can believe it, the turtles can be a major source of discomfort. In contrast to many other versions before and even after, these ones are hulking monsters with oddly human faces that sink them way into the uncanny valley. That's not to say they aren't nice though. They're still the same likeable young shell guys we all know. As for the bad guys, the Shredder looks like someone took traditional samurai armor and couldn't stop putting blades all over it, Bebop and Rocksteady are fairly unpleasant (though still rather goofy), and Krang is perhaps the most hideous he's ever been, with the power to boot. One can only dread what the rest of the turtles' rouges gallery would have looked like in future ventures. This editor is just wondering how they'd ruin Alopex (HEAVEN HELP THEM...).

Trivia: One cannot describe these films without going into the stuff that led to them. Before Nickelodeon took the rights, the first film was going to be connected to the 1990 one as a standalone prequel more in line with the very first incarnations, but then Bay took over (sort of), and we got a premise that, get this, involved Casey Jones as the protagonist, the turtles being aliens, and Shredder being a white guy who was actually an alien reminiscent of Krang. Needless to say, that pitch was ridiculed by just about everyone, and everything was changed due to the surprisingly angry backlash (though the mutagen having somewhat alien origins was kept).

-It's easy to blame Michael Bay for the failures of these films, especially considering how it has a lot of his thumbprints (explosions, emphasis on action, Megan Fox having to put up with his shite), but in truth, he was actually the one who got rid of most of the really bad ideas that could have been. It's just that his reputation had not been the greatest up to that point, and blaming a guy like Jonathan Liebesman on it all didn't seem all that exciting to internet goers.

Image Gallery

You may scream now.

Not your proudest role, eh, Oroku Saki?

Nothing like October Skies for a movie like...this?

"Go, discount-daughter. I must remove the coolness from my suit."

Hell's Mutated Angels.

"I am Heavy Weapons Brain!"
"RUN! The Michael Bay might get you!"

Murasame is rolling in his grave.

"We could have been living here instead of the sewers?!"

"Work for us and we won't turn you into a fly." "But won't that anger the fans? Not that I'm looking forward to that."

Cue the banter that no longer exists between them.
Say what you will, but at least they're not fighting in TOTAL darkness.

"Manicure. NOW."

So they WERE at the battle of New York.

We'll let your fanfiction take it from here.

Shadow of the 'Oh-God-What-Am-I-Even-Looking-At' Shredder.

Would have paid money to see this instead.

"Lookin' at the Rotten Tomatoes score and...oh, that ain't good."

Definitely armed and dangerous.