“The holy bird-lizard”

Films: The VelociPastor (2018)

Alias: Doug Jones, the Dragon Warrior

Type: Mystical

Location: Civilized Area/Forest

Height/Weight: That of an average human.

Affiliation: Good

Summary: Some films really just feel like they were the end result of a particularly out-there Mad Libs session. In this case, we ended up with a film where a priest becomes a dinosaur through an ancient Chinese artifact, and fights Christian drug-peddling ninjas afterwards. In the hands of a more capable director, the Earth would probably split in half from such an awesome idea.

History: Doug Jones went to China to find himself after his parents were unjustly ran over by a pimp. He accidentally stumbled upon a dying person who gave him a special tooth-shaped artifact that would grant him the power to become the Dragon Warrior. Ignoring the old "there is no secret ingredient" piece of wisdom (pat yourself on the back if you got that reference), he took it, and found that every time he lost control, he would become a dinosaur out for blood. At first reluctant to use this in fighting evil, meeting his parents' killer and a failed exorcism convinced him to go up against a gang of ninjas hoping to sell cocaine and convince people to join their church.

Notable Kills: See Final Fate.

Final Fate: Doug massacres the ninjas, but is stopped by a dosage of anti-venom. However, he uses his still-saurian hands to gut the main baddie. Both he and his faith-resurrected girlfriend decide to travel the world and fight evil when they find it.

Powers/Abilities: Can turn into a raptor (or at least what he perceives as a raptor) at will or if he loses control of his temper. He also has telekinesis for some reason.

Weakness: A special anti-venom subdues the transformation, but not the hands for some reason.

Scariness Factor: 1-Doug is certainly not unwilling to get his hands dirty, especially if you f*ck with his family and friends. But he's just a regular guy in the end, one firmly on the side of good to boot. And then there's his dinosaur form. It is just plain embarrassing to see a guy in a huge T-Rex suit running blind in a field against ninjas pretending to be destroyed. That one T-Rex suit meme has more dignity than this dumpy thing! If they used Syfy-tier CGI, we dare say it'd be easier to take seriously.

Trivia: -It's actually rather fitting that a dragon-based artifact would turn Doug into a dinosaur. For back in the day, dinosaur fossils were thought to be those of dragons. An Asian myth even tells of how a dragon fell from the Heavens and became the first fossil.

-Velociraptors have been discovered in parts of China, though they are primarily from Mongolia. Other Chinese raptors include Microraptor, Sinornithosaurus, Dilong, and Gigantoraptor.

Image Gallery

Yes. This is really happening. At least they got the dinosaur look right.
What about the way of the tooth, you cooler-looking pastor?
"YES! My me-time hand is better than ever!"
Ninjas taste like black licorice.